if the universe stopped one could calculate the rest of time
and it won't (can't) but such an equation exists
and you're just a bundle of hormones and flesh ultimately
and i've been living life made up of statistics
you know trans people die young? you know
trans people are unemployed? you know
you know,
transgender Jew (noun) pedophilic ideologue in control of news government weather etc.
i think a lot of conspiracy rhetoric comes from a feeling of fundamental lack of control
it would be nice to write off the agency i don't have on a shady cabal but i can't
i wouldn't go so far as to say i'm a "good person" but i'm trying my best
and you're just a bundle of hormones and flesh.
i tried to scratch my chest off. one hand under the breast,
lifted it, i ran my nail along the skin. tried to break it.
i failed. i knew i would.
i wanted to bleed. i wanted to make myself bleed.
and i didn't even.
i looked at my arm and it wasn't my own.
this whole body is so alien to me (reptilians, anyone?
no, my body is fleshy and soft and curves)
and i tried to cut it but the scissors were blunt and
i keep saying i don't self-harm. i keep saying i'm not suicidal.
i keep bleeding.
a known antisemitic stereotype is effeminate men (not in a gay way),
that we are something other. not quite men. do i need to say it?
"male menstruation" - i have done this for the past four years.
but this isn't control. this is just blood.
this is hormones? and you know what you are.
a section of my lip has a different texture
this is because the skin has been opened repeatedly. not with a knife.
nothing so dramatic. just fingers. just flesh on flesh. i keep telling people
i don't self-harm. i used to pick at scabs. so does everyone
i guess i believe in free will
but i also believe in social forces
and people make up their minds about me (hysterical girl transgender Jew; gender ideologue powerful masculinexfeminine undermining our Good Old Values)
and i can't escape that. cannot escape me.
i could detransition and i could convert but i couldn't. you know?
i couldn't. i can't enertain the possibility,
hormones and flesh so much fucking flesh
there is maybe one thing i could do to seize control of my life
i could kill myself. i could convice myself it was radical,
i could convince myself it wasn't cowardly.
i keep thinking about how we call it "taking your own life"
i don't owe anyone my life. It's only mine. It's mine only.
once i'm dead all that's left of me will be in the control of others. but isn't it now?
and i'll be dead and not around to care.
a lot of people would be a lot happier. and i wouldn't be around to care.
i know that three (3) people would mourn for me. a lot of people would be sad but
three (3) people know me and they would mourn for Me.
i have no doubt that a stranger's name will be on my gravestone.
i have no doubt whatsoever.
but i wouldn't be around to care.
control, control, control.
i wish i were part of a shadowy cabal. i wish i were an ideologue who controlled governments. i wish i were a scary transsexual lobbyist i wish i wish i wish i
but flesh hormones hormones flesh
ultimately,